These last three months took me by storm. I was an emotional mess, my entire brain was in turmoil, I couldn’t think straight at all. I felt like everything around me was drowning me, and I was sinking, sinking so deep beyond any realm of what I had experienced before. I didn’t even feel real, and I felt like there was nobody, nobody at all in this world that could save me.

And then, through all the mess and all the damage, and through the dark places I never thought I could crawl out of, I saw a light. A tiny glimmer of hope. I realized, if I could hold on to the light enough, I could start to climb out of this hole, but I knew I had to hold on strong. And sometimes, I let the light disappear again, and plunged back into the despair I didn’t even know was humanly possible, but I knew if I tried, really tried, I could begin to see that light again.

And lately, the more I’ve held on to that light, the more I have been able to climb out of my hole. But it hasn’t been easy, because I haven’t really been able to see where the light was leading me, and that’s scary, but I just had to trust that it was my way out.

I followed, and I followed, and I followed that light, and my world got brighter, just a little bit at a time. But I still felt like something was missing, like I didn’t want to just see a little bit, but I wanted more, because my whole life I had just kept my blinders on because there was something so easy and comfortable about the way things were. Until of course, my autopilot malfunctioned and I experienced the worst crash of my life.

But now, the blinders were off, and I could truly follow the light to its source. I could follow it, because for once, I had nothing to lose. So I have been following, and pulling myself out, bit by bit. And now I have finally found the source of the brightness. And now I know the secret.

The secret is…that the light source is me. That my whole life, when I sought love and when I sought happiness, I was looking everywhere. And no amount of love I received from outside was ever enough, so I kept trying harder to get more love from everyone else. Stupid me didn’t realize that the most important love was the one that I was missing: the love from myself.

I am the light. I am who can save me.

I am who I am, and that’s it. There’s nothing not to love about that. And those in my life who haven’t understood that and who have let me slip away? I don’t mean this in a self-obsessed way, but more in an enlightened way, but I feel damn bad for you.

I should be pissed at the people who didn’t show me the love I deserved and who pushed to my breaking point, but honestly, it was from my darkness that I could go searching for the real answers, and break the patterns of my past. So from the bottom of my heart I thank you for bringing all this turmoil in my life.

Because after all, how could I have found the calm if I hadn’t been in the storm?

So I don’t even know if anyone reads this little blog of mine. At this point, I don’t even think I’m using Tumblr right. But whatevs. Eso si que es (which in English means it is what it is, but is also socks spelled out loud…S-O-C-K-S).

If you haven’t heard (whoever is reading this), I am currently on medical leave from school. Yes, it is for mental reasons, and no, I’m not sad or worried about my reputation in the least bit. There have been a lot of things that have occurred in the last few months that have shown me how much I have to work on for myself, and I had to cut all the stressors out of my life before I fell to complete pieces, which I kind of did anyway and now I’m recovering and putting all my pieces back together.

Here is an analogy to describe what I have been through recently: imagine a spool of thread unfurling, moving forward and being used up by a sewing machine. As long as it is being used properly, it just keeps unfurling at the rate that it needs to. Now imagine that the spool of thread become extremely tangled, and you keep tugging on it and you keep making it move forward even though it is obviously stuck. Eventually, if you tug on the thread too hard without untangling it first, it will break.

I was like a tangled spool of thread. I just kept pushing myself forward, trying to fulfill my destiny and my life goals, but I never realized how tangled I was until I pushed myself too far and broke. Now I’m going back to the places that were tangled and trying to undo them, slowly but surely, to make sure that I am ready for the next part of my life. And of course there isn’t just a magic answer, like I will figure it out and it will be smooth sailing from here. Life is supposed to come with kinks, but the point is you have to smooth them out as they come rather than letting yourself become such a tangled mess that you don’t even understand where to go anymore.

That’s what I am doing now. I am going to return to school in the fall, but until then I am staying home and letting my life be dictated by what I’d like to do each and every day rather than push myself to achieve more, do more. I’m sure the achievements will come in due time, but now that I have the chance to clean myself up, and unlike the overwhelming amount I always made myself take in the past, I am not letting this opportunity go.

Plus, I get another football season. Who can say no to that? :)

Unless you are new to the Internet or life itself, you know that Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, passed away recently. I’ve been watching speeches and reading up on what a great man he was, and he was truly great. And he always harped on a few things. First, we’re all going to die. So stop acting like there’s something to lose because we might be dead tomorrow anyway. Second, follow your heart and do what you love. Because, well, we’re going to die. Third, let life go. Follow your dreams, and let karma or destiny and whatever just lead you where you’re supposed to go. 

I’ve had quite a whirlwind semester, just because school is crazy anyway, but also because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what life is going to be like after college. It’s a scary thought, not knowing where you’re going to be a year from now. I have a wonderful life in Auburn, and I’m trying so hard to hang on to it, that I think the fear and insecurity have clouded how excited I should be for the future. But then, I thought back to four years ago, around this time, when I was in high school.

I remember that this was the time when I was sending in college applications. Then too I had no idea where I was going to be in a year. Although I loved Auburn at the time, it was my last choice as a school. I wanted to go far, far away, to rediscover myself in a new way, where no one would know me and I could be who I wanted.

It’s taken me 21 years to realize that you don’t have to go to another city to rediscover yourself. You don’t even have to go to another room. Because you aren’t defined by the city you go to or the people you meet. You’re defined by you. You are who you are in each moment.  And you get to pick. 

Anyway, as I’m thinking back to my senior year in high school, to all the excitement and the fear and the not knowing, and then as I’m looking back on my four years at Auburn, I can’t help but wish to call my 18-year-old self and shake her and tell her, “Hey! College is going to be awesome! It’s gonna be rough at times, and at first you’re going to feel like you settled, but don’t. Because you couldn’t have picked a better place than Auburn. And the economy’s gonna suck by the time you graduate, so good thing you chose a place that gave you a full ride! PS, your school’s gonna win a National Championship while you’re there.”

I wish 26-year-old Aashana could call me and tell me exactly where I’m going to be and what I’m going to be doing. But where’s the fun in that huh? I know I ended up where I ended up because I was supposed to end up here, and I’ll end up where I need to end up after graduation. And in life. But until then, I’ve gotta keep taking chances and embarrassing myself and making mistakes and laughing and crying and loving and breathing. 

And of course, I’ve gotta remember to stay hungry, stay foolish. Thanks for the great advice, Steve.

I heart somewhere that when you pray for courage, God doesn’t give you courage, but the opportunity to be courageous.  

I don’t think truer words have been spoken. How are you gonna use your courage if you don’t have the opportunity to?

This summer I decided to start dreaming big. To go back to the dreams I have always had. I thought to myself, someone needs to be dreaming these dreams. Why not me?

However, with big dreams come even bigger issues. Issues with self-love. Issues with believing in myself. Issues with courage.

I have begin to realize that my courage is growing. It’s growing with the dreams that I am dreaming. With what I will need to do in order to fulfill these dreams. I will need to be brave. 

So I am telling the world to bring on the opportunities. I will face them with as much courage as my little body can muster. Thanks in advance, God.

The weight that I have surrounded myself with my entire life is my fear. My insecurity. 

It is the reason why “I can’t really be a true performer.” Or why, “I’m a good dancer, but the weight stops me from being my best.” Or “People love my personality. But a man can’t love me love me because of my weight.”

I call this summer my “GMST” summer, or the “Gettin’ my shit together” summer. My entire life I’ve been so afraid. So afraid of succeeding. So afraid of being my best. Because you see, when you don’t succeed, that crappy little thing called failure happens. And who the hell wants that? 

So I’ve hidden in this blanket of mine, this excuse for not living to my best, my fullest potential for God knows how long. So I don’t have to write songs, or become a better singer, or become the dancer I always imagined myself being because of “the weight.”

During my GMST summer though, I have realized that I can’t live like this anymore. I strongly believe that the moment you stop going after your dreams, you become a zombie who’s walking around in this shell of a body. I haven’t been in front of an audience in 2 years. And each day I’ve run away from my dream, I’ve become emptier.

But this summer, I have been determined to lose the blanket. Slow as the process is, each week that I lose a pound or two, and each day I walk into a practice room to even write the crappiest piece of music ever seen by man, and each day I go to a hip-hop dance class, I find a little bit of myself again. Buried as I am under all these pounds, hidden in the trenches, I know that as long as I am following my dreams and being who I’m supposed to be, things will happen for me. The way they need to. It might not be my vision of how I want them to happen, but they will occur just for me.

I know now that I have to take off the blanket. And fly.

This is my story.

Every smile that I’ve smiled,

Every love that I’ve loved,

Every breath that I’ve taken 

Has brought me to this moment.

To this exact place, and this is

where I’m supposed to be.

Because this is exactly how my story unfolds,

And no one else’s.

Every kiss that I’ve kissed,

Every touch that I’ve touched,

Brings me to this exact moment,

To this exact story.

And you own your story,

And one day you become a part of me

And the people that come and go do for a reason.

Whether to bring me ecstasy or rock-bottom pain or

just to bring me back to planet Earth.

To make me live, to make me learn.

To dance with me one moment, one fleeting 

Unforgettable moment, never to be seen again.

Or to be with me from the beginning

To the end, where the moments mesh together like a 

Black hole, not knowing where one begins and the other ends.

All these people, places, kisses become a part of me,

I drink them in, they are written onto my soul’s parchment.

It is all a story, it is my story.

Yours is your own, you will meet

your own fears, your own dreams

Your own destiny.

And just like that our books will be written,

Only to be read by our own 

Fleeting hearts.

My entire life has been given to others. Serving others, being a good friend to others, making others happy. And I’ve loved every second of it. But in this thinking about others I’ve forgotten about one important person. This should be the most important person in my life. But it hasn’t been. And that person is me.

Usually, I would feel selfish making that statement. Like OMG, I’m thinking about myself too much. And therein lies the problem.  I think others understand my worth a lot more than I do. People care about me so much. But see the thing is, I can’t feel good about myself unless other people care about me. And I’ve gotta stop depending on other people to feel good. I’ve got to love me. 

I love airports. Like absolutely LOVE them. If I can’t get a job in what I want to do as a career, the next place I would want to work at is an airport. Why is this girl so obsessed with airports, you ask?

I think airports are the most emotionally heavy places on the planet. Any emotion you want, you will find at airports, and at its extreme. There’s the extreme sorrow of watching a family member or lover leave, not knowing if and when they will come back. There is the absolute joy of seeing someone after days, months, years, or even decades. There is the fear of being in a new place (a new country!), not knowing anything or anyone and having to start over from scratch. But there is also the excitement of being somewhere new, taking in the new sights, the airport being the first place you see. There is extreme pride watching the men and women who serve your country return to your country. To me, the humanness of all these emotions makes airports some of the most awesome places to be. And these emotions happen every day, not just once in a while.

I have a particular special place in my heart for airports myself. You see, my first and one of my most vivid memories of coming to America was stepping in to the airport and being so overwhelmed that I thought my little 10-year-old heart would burst. I will never, ever forget that moment, and as I sit here at the airport waiting to board my flight to Vegas to continue my 21st birthday celebration, I recall all my memories of this great place.